Berry picking

Today Jack and I drove up to Bellingham to meet bridget, her 4 month old nephew and sister-in-law to pick strawberries. It became a lovely day .. we ate lunch downtown, then did the required stop at mallard's ice cream for a scoop of the best ice cream anywhere (and i have eaten a lot of ice cream.. so I know this). Then we headed out to pick berries. My plan was to hold Jack in the ergo as I picked:



But strawberries grow on the ground and Jack was tired so he didn't enjoy hanging out as kneeled on the ground picking the berries. So he ended up supervising from the sidelines:



Archer (his 4 month old counter-part) was much more amenable to being carried around by his mom. We got some cute photos of them after the harvest:





the daily rant: if you ever begrudge a migrant farm worker decent housing or health care I suggest you go out to pick strawberries one day. After about 40 minutes, my back hurt, I was sunburnt and done.. it was fun as a lovely outing at a quaint local farm but not so fun as a way of life.

Happy Father's Day!

Included in the long list of things-I-did-not-know-before-Jack was what kind of father Ryan would be. During my pregnancy I thought (worried) a lot about how things would be once the baby arrived. Ryan did not. I asked him once if he thought much about it, and he said no. He reported not feeling particularly excited. I thought this might forecast problems. However, luckily for all involved, this has not been the case at all. Ryan and Jack are crazy about each other. It's a beautiful thing.



This weekend was also notable because we spent our first night away from our wee one. Our dear friends courageously accepted the challenge to babysit for almost 24 hours -- this includes waking up at 5:30am on a Sunday.. something baby civilians do not normally do. I hadn't thought much about leaving until about 5 minutes before I had to do it. Then I was sad and tried to convince my friends to come to Leavenworth with us (we went to a wedding). They declined .. and in the end, all was well. Our friends have a dog who Jack loves and he was completely unaffected by our absence. Every time ryan and I do something on our own, I am reminded how important it is for parents to get away. Happy parents = happy baby. It's such a simple equation but for some reason requires great momentum so a more accurate equation is energy + happy parents = happy baby.

Our pals with Jack



Us right before leaving (I was fretting that I had not written our will yet -- something I have been meaning to do in case - knock on all products resembling wood - something were to happen to us.. yes, I think hypervigilance about all possible scenarios of tragedy is either related to estrogen or some strange gene only expressed when there are two x's):



and on a complely unrelated note, Jack as the commander of the exer-saucer

will jack love science

I love science. I am currently taking immunology and it is damn fascinating. While I will grieve my entire life about not breastfeeding Jack, my class has made me feel better about it. Our immune systems have back-ups for back-ups and immunity is something you are always building. Women secrete one type of antibody and then other more general immune cells through breastmilk but the antibody is only one of 5 that we make.. and we also make our own general immune cells. I have no doubt it's better to breastfeed but Jack can still have a kick-ass immune system without it.
As I study, I feel a little regret that I wasn't introduced to the greatness of science at a younger age; and now that I have a child I think, I will show him how cool science is and then he will love it and become the scientist I won't ever be. This is a slippery slope. Jack may hate math and think the laws of thermodynamics are boooorrrriiinnggg. Then will I be disappointed? I hope not. I hope I can be the kind of parent who gets to know him and loves him as he is.. even if he hates math and is a republican.. although the republican part would be a serious challenge.

Rocket shoes

Among the items I found under my bed were these very cool rocket shoes:




also a gift from friends of ours from our amazon days. These shoes are so great. They have that crinkly material on the sides so they make playing with your feet even more fun than usual.

They are also great because they are not the regular baby boy apparel -- they are red and science themed unlike so many of his clothes which are blue and sports themed. He has a "future quarterback" sleeper that I call his ironic sleeper because my child will never play football.

Solid food, old/new clothes, and summer heat

It's funny that "they" say at 6 months you can start feeding your baby solid food when the food you feed him is almost liquid. So far in the past week and a half, Jack has eaten pureed sweet potatoes, avocado, banana, and pear. He seems to like this food a lot more than formula. I don't blame him because I don't like milk either.

Since I feel that our consumer society creates a bunch of crap you really don't need, I thought I would not buy bibs because I have so many towels and receiving blankets. This didn't really work out. Now I can imagine the day someone said, if only we could invent something that would actually catch the food that they spit out. Here Jack is pictured wearing a dishtowel that caught almost none of the sweet potato he ate.



After the baby shower last October, I put many of my gifts in a drawer underneath our bed. I sorted through the clothes and pulled out the items that would fit him during his first 6 months. As I sorted through the clothes again, I realized I had missed some and sadly, he is almost too big for them. Our friends Megan and Ben gave us this little get-up.. perfect for warmer weather.




Bridget took Jack to his first backyard summer party. He took a dip in the kiddie pool but apparently did not dig it. He prefers to lounge.

My generation

I just returned from a gathering with my PEPS group (parent group). I also just finished reading a blog entry of a friend whose wife was harshly judged for returning to work after having twins. I am glad these two things happened consecutively.

To be clear, every parent works whether they are paid for it or not. All of the women in my PEPS group work outside the home -- anywhere between 1 and 5 days a week. Months ago, before anyone returned to work, our group moderator (who was 10 years older than the oldest of us) asked the moms to express their feelings about returning to work. I think she was surprised when no one seemed to have any conflicted feelings. Some people had to do it, others didn't but no one really cared what anyone else was doing.

I feel like my peers get that this stay-at-home/work dichotomy is just false. We do what makes us happy and/or we do what we have to do. If you want to work 60 hours a week, it's great that you can choose that. If you want to stay at home (and you can), lovely! I do both, and it works for me. The judgement seems to come in from people who are resentful that they never had choices or those who are unhappy with the choices they made... the judgement generally seems to come from an older set of women -- I don't notice it among my peers. We all seem to understand that 1. having the choice is a privilege 2. happy parent = happy baby...

Frankly, these days, when people ask me questions I deem judgemental, I lie. Do you breastfeed? yes. How much does he weigh? 19 pounds. Don't you just loooooooooooove parenthood? Every second of it.

6 months!

On Friday, Jack turned 6 months old. It's so little time in my life but he has changed so, so much. These days, he sleeps all night, he is rolling over (front to back and back to front), he is beginning to eat solid food, reaches for everything, then puts everything in his mouth, plays with his toes, laughs, smiles, and babbles a lot. He seems to have a pretty mellow demeanor. He makes his needs known and when they are met, he is happy.

Infant development is a marvel. We went from this:









to this:




in just half a year.

It is awesome .. both in the original definition and the spicoli-inspired meaning.

Happy Mother's Day

One day late.

I never used to think about Mother's day much. I appreciate my mom every day so I didn't think Mother's Day felt that much different than other days. I have a *slightly* cynical side that notices we tend to set aside special days for people we say we value but really, we don't. If we really valued motherhood, we would have better daycare, and staying home with your kids would not be below "working" on the hierarchy of american activities that matter, (insert my usual rant here). However, we do have this one day to celebrate the all-consuming, lifelong, joyful, and anxiety-provoking role of mommyhood, and I am now grateful for it. Experience is a great teacher.

Ryan and I went out to dinner at Crush on Saturday night. It was our first real date night in 6 months. Very fun. My mom sent me flowers, and bridget also gave me a big bouquet and a very precious mug that she made with Jack. I went to yoga sunday morning and spent the rest of the day with Jack... it was a lovely day.

In Jack news, he will be 6 months old this Friday. Hard to believe. His latest thing is that he likes to roll over onto his stomach but then he gets stuck there, and cries. I roll him back over and he immediate rolls back to his tummy, and cries. We will do this 10 times in a row. It reminds me of the SNL skit with Tom Hanks when he played Mr Short Term Memory. He is eating dinner at a fancy restaurant then suddenly spits out his food because he has no idea what's in his mouth. I know Jack will learn he can roll back by himself, and that will be an exciting day.

The Bob

no one dreams that one day their child will grow up to be a petulant ass. yet there are many people who objectively fit this description. how does this happen?

i have a few theories, but here is one: if you got a new bmw when you turned 16, it is highly likely that you are one of these people. giving a teenager an expensive new car generally means the kid has been given everything they have ever wanted and has probably not worked one day for any of it. this causes personality problems.

because of this observation, i am very intentional about what i buy or don't buy for jack. almost all of his clothes and belongings (other than gifts) are hand-me-downs. there is no reason an infant needs all new stuff. so when it came time to buy a stroller, i thought about it for a long time. i looked at used strollers and found they were sort of gross .. spit up and food stains.. i could not find one in good condition. i really wanted a jogger stroller so i could run with him and i didn't want to buy two different strollers (our house is too small). unfortunately for me, i was at rei and tried the bob. the bob is like the brand new bmw of strollers. it is expensive but the ride is very smooth. after much hand-wringing, we bought it. and we love it.

my solution for this contradiction is that i just won't ever tell jack he had such a fancy stroller.

Expressions

Years ago, I saw an art exhibit featuring dogs and their owners. The point of the exhibit was to show how much the two looked alike. I particularly remember a photo of a red-haired man with a beard and his irish setter. They looked exactly alike because they seemed to have the same facial expression. It was funny how two different species could resemble each other only because they had a close relationship.

Obviously expressions are not passed in the genes. Even though Jack is only 5 1/2 months, he seems to have already picked up ryan's expressions as well as inheriting much of ryan's genetic code for his face. (these pics are almost a month old.. i have been meaning to post them for a while...)

Tuck and Roll!

Today was a very exciting day. Jack rolled over for the first time. I had recently read a list of developmental milestones that your child should reach by 5 months. If they don't reach even one of the various activities on the long list then I am supposed to call my doctor. He could do everything on the list except roll over. I thought, how do I get him to roll over? He just seems like a mellow kid, content to stare at the toys hanging from the gymini or jump around in his bouncy chair. And what can my doctor do? Make him lift weights or something??? I just shouldn't read the books...



Clearly, we are more entertained by it than he is.

Moms Rising

Before I had Jack, many people said that everything will change once he arrives. As with every other comment people made regarding parenthood, I had no idea what this meant. Now I know that the statement is not exactly true but the priorities of my daily life have changed, and so has my general consciousness about children. Now that I am a parent, every child is my child. I just read that 22 students were killed at Virginia Tech and all I can think about are their parents, and how their lives are destroyed. When really sick babies come into the hospital, it makes me very sad in a way that it didn't before.

One of the most difficult realizations is that as a society, we do not value children or parenthood. Only since 1992 have you had the right to take 3 months off (unpaid of course) after the birth of your child. Before that, your job was not secure and in small companies, it still isn't. Many people do not have paid sick leave and if you have good daycare, it's usually because you have money and you got lucky. I could go on and on. Luckily, now I have a place to channel my anger and disgust. A group called moms rising (www.momsrising.org) was co-founded by one of the women who started moveon.org. They have a great manifesto that calls for paid family leave, good affordable daycare, paid sick leave, health insurance for all children and a lot more. Family leave legislation has made it to the Washington state house and with enough pressure from voters, it will pass (although possibly not this session).

All developed nations have these rights.. and even some poorer ones as well. We have made so much social progress in the last 30 years so it's exciting to think this may be the next big movement. I hope so.

ps. i know lots of people who don't have kids who are very into them.. they did not have to have a kid to have this awakening.. but i did.

joaquin the jumping bean

I put the music to the video .. it was not playing while he was jumping around .. it just happens to fit perfectly.

more pics

Ryan and Jack went on a walk and found a 4 leaf clover.

My turn

Before i became a parent, I was doing fairly well at what we in yoga call 'cultivating the witness' This means you are able to simply be a witness to another person's experience without making it somehow about you or your own experiences .. instead of assigning judgement to it, you just let it be what it is - sad, joyful, whatever. Let's say that I find that to be more challenging now.

Since Jack was 3 weeks old, I have been going to support groups and spend quite a bit of time around new parents. I have listened to other people talk about how much breast milk they are able to pump, or how big their kid is or how they hold their head up or have been rolling over since they were 4 weeks old. They are simply talking about their experiences. They aren't bragging and they aren't saying their lives are easy but for some reason, that is what I heard because none of those things have come easily to me or jack.

I had not attended the mom's support group for a couple of months because of school or travel. I know the group talks a lot about sleep and I asked the following: Jack has been sleeping through the night for a while now but I wonder if I should be waking him up to feed him. The moderator asked how many hours he slept, I said around 11. There was an audible gasp in the room. Little did I know that some 5 month old babies still only sleep 3-4 hours at a time. I swear, I did not know this. My mom had told me babies sleep through the night around 3 months or so.

To be totally honest, I felt glee at finally having something go my way -- something that can be hard but for me has been easy (at least for a month). I wanted to do high kicks in the middle of the room. Instead as people looked at me incredulously I said, I have had so many hard times! meaning.. i feel like i deserve this lucky break.

Bathtime for Jack

Its not just a book series.

We give Jack baths in our tub now. We used to use a little blue tub but he has long outgrown it. He seems unsure of the bath experience ever since he accidentally sucked water into his mouth and choked a few weeks ago. I plan to take him for swimming lessons this summer so maybe then he will feel more confident in the water. For now, it's definitely easier when there are two of us bathing him - one person in the tub to hold and one person outside to do the bathing and drying.

Superpowers

A friend of mine once told me that her superpower was being able to find parking in any situation. Her husband's anti-superpower was always getting in the wrong line. I have determined that my anti-superpower is always losing socks in the dryer. I do not know what happens to them. It's so bizarre. They must get sucked away into the sock black hole which unfortunately occupies all dryers I use. This inverse superpower I have wasn't so big of a deal when it was just my socks getting sucked into the vortex. Now I am losing jack's socks. Ryan does his own laundry because it bothers him to lose socks.

Jack's superpower is currently that he can sleep through anything. I just cut his fingernails .. he didn't stir.

little banana

This is the cute fleece yellow suit that bridget gave jack. Its very warm and cozy.. perfect for our early morning walks.

Steve Holt!*

I am afraid to write this.. I'll do it because this is not paper .. It is some computer that google owns.. who knows where, we'll never know so it's almost like this is recorded nowhere. Hence the gods of sleep will not punish me for my hubris.

Jack has started sleeping through the night - all the way through the night. I can count on him going to bed between 6 and 8 pm and waking up between 6 and 7 am. Occasionally, he wakes up once for a few minutes to eat but I don't even count that. If he does that for the rest of his life, I can deal with it. It feels like nothing. Until he was 3 months old, he never slept more than 3 hours at a time at most. I resigned myself to the fact that I did not have a "champion sleeper" as some of other moms in first weeks have.. "Junior sleeps constantly and I am finishing my MD in my free time." Getting a full night's sleep is amazing.

It happened just in time because I started working again this weekend. Jack was asleep yesterday when I left and that was sad. It was the longest I had gone without seeing him awake. Luckily for me, I work with lots of women with kids so everyone likes to talk about their kids and show pictures. It helps.

*If you don't know why I titled this entry 'Steve Holt', you must run to the video store to rent seasons 1 through 3 of Arrested Development. Your life is not fully lived without seeing this show.

Road Trip

Since I finished my chem class on Monday and I don't start working again until tomorrow, Jack and I went on a little road trip. First we went to Astoria to visit one of my friends from college and her family. Her boys (identical twins) are almost 4 and they love babies. Throughout our visit, they were only allowed to touch Jack's feet so when we took this picture they were extremely excited to be in such close proximity. After I snapped the picture, in a matter of seconds, one of them was touching Jack's face while the other tried to poke him in the eye. They were just being friendly in their 4 year old way.



Then we went to Hood River to visit some other college friends of mine. Hood River is such a cool town.. very popular for all manner of outdoor activities especially kite boarding and wind surfing. My friends live very close to downtown.. we walked to a fancy restaurant that has an amazing happy hour menu.. they have no problems with babies in the bars there unlike Seattle establishments. My friends have a great piece of property with a little guest house in their backyard where Jack and I stayed. If I didn't love Seattle so much, I would move to Hood River.. and probably live in this guest house.



Jack was pretty laid back about the trip. He slept in the car as I drove from town to town. He did get cranky at the end of each day .. I understand the quality of sleep they get in a car seat is not the same as what they get at home. Other than that, he seemed to enjoy himself quite a bit.

Motherhood Rocks!

I don't usually keep in touch with what tori spelling is doing.. but one of my google homepage widgets displays People magazine headlines .. so I know that she just had a baby. The headline says "Tori Spelling: Motherhood Rocks"

Does it really rock?

If you asked me how I felt the day I brought Jack home, I would have said that I feel like I was literally and metaphorically hit by a truck. When asked how is it, I would have said overwhelming. Of course, every new parent has a unique experience so I will allow that maybe for Tori, who goes home to a house full of people who wait on her, it may rock. But unless she gave birth in a way I am not aware of, there is more to the experience of being a new parent than just .. it rocks.

So here is a piece of evidence.. in case you didn't believe me.. there isn't a lot of honesty "out there" about the new parent experience. What did I expect from tori, you may ask. Nothing less than this.. which is my point.

On the fence

Before I had Jack, I was fairly ambivalent about children. I was not particularly drawn to them, and I wasn't particularly excited about having one. I felt like it was something I might regret not doing but I was not really sure about why I wanted to do it. To people who know it's not right for them, I say great. One can live a full life without children. I have had occasion to talk to people who are on the fence as I was. I say to them, if I knew then what I knew now, I would have done it sooner. If there wasn't such a huge population problem and Seattle wasn't so darn expensive, I'd have many. I had a feeling this might happen.. this radical shift to a have-a-child cheerleader. I watched it happen to so many of my friends. One day they were interested in talking about politics and relationships and celebrity gossip; then they have a kid and all they want to talk about is the advantages and disadvantages of the family bed or diapers or spit up or ear infections or whatever other extremely boring thing their kid happened to be going through at the moment. And, they were just thrilled about it. Now, if I am talking to another parent.. yep, there is no child-related minutiae I don't enjoy talking about. Crazy.

Happy its-almost-spring!

On Monday I will be finished with my epic chemistry course. I started it at the end of September..and even though my due date was November 24 and the class didn't finish until December 14, I thought I could probably finish. I would just do homework while the new baby slept and then take the final. The fact that I ever thought this makes me laugh out loud. Clearly, I had no idea.



I am marveling at the change of season because I remember staring out this same window in November and December thinking it would always be dark; it would always either be raining or snowing or hailing, and that would be my life forever. It's true what they say -- what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger. I am thrilled with the cherry blossoms.



While I am at school, Bridget is now taking care of another baby while she watches Jack. The little one's name is Lily and she is 7 days older than Jack. She has stunning motor skills for her age - she can roll over, push her torso up so far she looks like she is doing upward dog, and she seems to be trying to crawl. She has a lot of energy whereas Jack just seems more chill. I didn't really think he had much of a personality yet but compared to another baby, he does. Do any of us have personality when not compared to anyone else?



Also, we went to a St Patrick's day party on Sunday. I dressed Jack in his finest Irish themed clothing.. His new thing is that he won't fall asleep unless he is at home.. this is a problem because he gets very cranky when we are out and he is overdue for sleep... as you can see here. Normally Bridget makes him very happy... but not when he is tired.

Gushing

Yesterday, jack squealed with delight as he lay under his new gymini. He had never squealed and he is just starting to laugh.

Before I go on, I must write a disclaimer. A few months ago, a woman in first weeks said that when her husband asked her what she wanted for christmas, she said she'd already gotten her present (referring to her son). I thought this was a lovely thing to say but the comment stuck in my head because it's something I would never say. I don't want to gush about motherhood because I feel obligated to do it. I don't understand where the pressure comes from but the book The Mommy Myth proposes some ideas. In any case, I try not to precede any critiques I have with this experience with the sentiment that I love Jack and would throw myself in front of a train for him. I notice people do this all the time. "I am so in love with Junior but the sleep deprivation is really getting to me" or "Of course I love being a mom but diaper changing is not my thing" or whatever. All statements have to be preceded with the good mother disclaimer. Gushing is acceptable, socially appropriate and encouraged; negative feelings need to be couched with gushing. It's a drag. How about balance? It seems all parents feel everything -- why the pressure to hide?

So all that said, now I have to gush. The noise of Jack squealing and laughing is the sound of pure joy. It makes me happy and I am so grateful for his presence. And we love this gymini. It's a must have for all wee ones.

Contrast

In my last few years at amazon, i had a lot of free time. It's why I stayed there so long. I did yoga almost every day for 2 hours - I trained for triathlons and the bigride - and when i wasn't cycling or yoga-ing, I socialized. I dug it. But I knew I had to move off of the path of least resistance, so I returned to school. Working part time and taking 2 lab sciences a quarter, I had very little free time.. but I still had some. I could still practice yoga in the morning, do the occasional workout, see the occasional movie. Then I had Jack. Now there is no time for those things unless I arrange a babysitter. One of the unexpected side effects of extreme free-time limitation is that when I get to do one of my old hobbies, I am beyond thrilled. I savor every moment.. So last week in Arizona, I got to swim. As I surveyed the pool (one I had jumped into daily for 5 years as a kid without thought) I felt so fortunate. The sun! the warm water! It was great.

Arizona

Yesterday I returned from a week with my parents in Arizona. It was lovely. I grew up in a small planned community 25 miles west of phoenix. The town grew around a country club built for executives from the Goodyear Tire and Rubber company in the 1920s. It used to be surrounded by cotton fields but now there are houses where the farmland used to be. Litchfield Park, as it's called, is a strange little place. The streets are lined with orange trees that are inedible (this was done on purpose). While the weather is generally beautiful in the winter, you rarely see anyone out except on one of the country club's 3 golf courses. The politics are john wayne republican ( influenced by the air force base nearby) and almost everyone is white except the people tending to the inedible orange trees.

I cannot believe I grew up there and once my parents leave, I'll never return. However, I still really enjoy visiting. I can push aside my repulsion of the elitism of the country club for a week of laying in the sun, drinking by the pool, and getting spa treatments. Since this time I brought jack with me, my country club activities were limited but we still had fun.

My dad, stepmother, sister and brother had never met him and they were just thrilled. My mom helped me a lot, and she also had a great time with the monkey. I was able to go see my first movie in 4 months -- Breach. Normally, I would have thought the movie was ok but since I never see movies anymore (I haven't even watched one at home) this was a great time.

Jack is growing up. He is eating a lot more now. He spends a lot of time trying to get his hand to his mouth and when he succeeds, he can soothe himself but sucking on his hand or thumb. He holds his head up pretty well and he can sit up with only his back supported and not fall to one side. Big time stuff.

He does not enjoy posing for pictures. He will not smile just because you tell him to -- he was like this in utero too. Whenever people wanted to feel him kicking, I poked my abdomen to get him to perform. He never did. But his straight face is still darn cute.




My dad, Jack and me



My sister and Jack

My mom, Jack and me


little jackie

Never get involved in a land war in asia

Life lessons abound in parenthood-land. It's the ultimate yoga practice. On Monday, I went out with the other mom's in my PEPS group (parent support group). A couple of the women said they'd had trouble getting pregnant and each remarked that the month when she truly gave up -- one started the adoption process and the other abandoned all of her dietary restrictions -- she got pregnant. It's a crazy paradox -- for something to change in your life, you must first truly accept that it will never change.

Tuesday I had a very low day for a variety of reasons but one was jack's eating. Finally, I decided to let it go ... I can't do anything about it. If he is an 11 pound fifth grader, so be it. Then what happened on Wednesday? He ate more than he ever has. Then what happened today? (since it can't be a simple story) He barely ate. So. My lesson is that Jack can eat different amounts every day and I can be paralyzed by anxiety or Jack can eat different amounts every day and I can be at peace.

More pictures soon.

Crazy Train

I will admit that, these days, I am slightly mentally ill. However, I am comforted by something I heard a buddhist monk say .. he said that before he was a monk, he worked in a mental institution and after 5 years at the job he decided the only difference between him and the patients was that he had the keys. Now, I have seen a lot of truly mentally ill people in the ER and there is actually a big difference between them and the people who enjoy the standard definition of mental health. These people live in a reality that no one else shares .. no one. I can get at least a few people to agree that i am not jesus .. and that no one is poisoning my food, etc. The other thing that comforts me is that it is well known that sleep deprivation causes a host of unpleasantries such as general confusion, pale skin tone ( i definitely have that), decreased mental activity and psychosis.

So yesterday I was talking to Bridget (who helps me take care of Jack so I can finish my freakin chemistry class) about how it seems Jack doesn't eat enough and that it seems like he is going to be a small person based on this fact... but that I had been thinking about all the small men I know who have really great lives -- they are married, successful and have children and friends and everything so it's probably fine that Jack doesn't eat a lot ... and bridget started laughing and laughing. I had a glimmer of how loco I have become .. that I am living in an odd reality that no one else shares. I am confident that once I start sleeping, I'll be less delusional. I hope anyway..