Tuesday, February 27, 2007


In my last few years at amazon, i had a lot of free time. It's why I stayed there so long. I did yoga almost every day for 2 hours - I trained for triathlons and the bigride - and when i wasn't cycling or yoga-ing, I socialized. I dug it. But I knew I had to move off of the path of least resistance, so I returned to school. Working part time and taking 2 lab sciences a quarter, I had very little free time.. but I still had some. I could still practice yoga in the morning, do the occasional workout, see the occasional movie. Then I had Jack. Now there is no time for those things unless I arrange a babysitter. One of the unexpected side effects of extreme free-time limitation is that when I get to do one of my old hobbies, I am beyond thrilled. I savor every moment.. So last week in Arizona, I got to swim. As I surveyed the pool (one I had jumped into daily for 5 years as a kid without thought) I felt so fortunate. The sun! the warm water! It was great.

Sunday, February 25, 2007


Yesterday I returned from a week with my parents in Arizona. It was lovely. I grew up in a small planned community 25 miles west of phoenix. The town grew around a country club built for executives from the Goodyear Tire and Rubber company in the 1920s. It used to be surrounded by cotton fields but now there are houses where the farmland used to be. Litchfield Park, as it's called, is a strange little place. The streets are lined with orange trees that are inedible (this was done on purpose). While the weather is generally beautiful in the winter, you rarely see anyone out except on one of the country club's 3 golf courses. The politics are john wayne republican ( influenced by the air force base nearby) and almost everyone is white except the people tending to the inedible orange trees.

I cannot believe I grew up there and once my parents leave, I'll never return. However, I still really enjoy visiting. I can push aside my repulsion of the elitism of the country club for a week of laying in the sun, drinking by the pool, and getting spa treatments. Since this time I brought jack with me, my country club activities were limited but we still had fun.

My dad, stepmother, sister and brother had never met him and they were just thrilled. My mom helped me a lot, and she also had a great time with the monkey. I was able to go see my first movie in 4 months -- Breach. Normally, I would have thought the movie was ok but since I never see movies anymore (I haven't even watched one at home) this was a great time.

Jack is growing up. He is eating a lot more now. He spends a lot of time trying to get his hand to his mouth and when he succeeds, he can soothe himself but sucking on his hand or thumb. He holds his head up pretty well and he can sit up with only his back supported and not fall to one side. Big time stuff.

He does not enjoy posing for pictures. He will not smile just because you tell him to -- he was like this in utero too. Whenever people wanted to feel him kicking, I poked my abdomen to get him to perform. He never did. But his straight face is still darn cute.

My dad, Jack and me

My sister and Jack

My mom, Jack and me

little jackie

Thursday, February 08, 2007

Never get involved in a land war in asia

Life lessons abound in parenthood-land. It's the ultimate yoga practice. On Monday, I went out with the other mom's in my PEPS group (parent support group). A couple of the women said they'd had trouble getting pregnant and each remarked that the month when she truly gave up -- one started the adoption process and the other abandoned all of her dietary restrictions -- she got pregnant. It's a crazy paradox -- for something to change in your life, you must first truly accept that it will never change.

Tuesday I had a very low day for a variety of reasons but one was jack's eating. Finally, I decided to let it go ... I can't do anything about it. If he is an 11 pound fifth grader, so be it. Then what happened on Wednesday? He ate more than he ever has. Then what happened today? (since it can't be a simple story) He barely ate. So. My lesson is that Jack can eat different amounts every day and I can be paralyzed by anxiety or Jack can eat different amounts every day and I can be at peace.

More pictures soon.

Friday, February 02, 2007

Crazy Train

I will admit that, these days, I am slightly mentally ill. However, I am comforted by something I heard a buddhist monk say .. he said that before he was a monk, he worked in a mental institution and after 5 years at the job he decided the only difference between him and the patients was that he had the keys. Now, I have seen a lot of truly mentally ill people in the ER and there is actually a big difference between them and the people who enjoy the standard definition of mental health. These people live in a reality that no one else shares .. no one. I can get at least a few people to agree that i am not jesus .. and that no one is poisoning my food, etc. The other thing that comforts me is that it is well known that sleep deprivation causes a host of unpleasantries such as general confusion, pale skin tone ( i definitely have that), decreased mental activity and psychosis.

So yesterday I was talking to Bridget (who helps me take care of Jack so I can finish my freakin chemistry class) about how it seems Jack doesn't eat enough and that it seems like he is going to be a small person based on this fact... but that I had been thinking about all the small men I know who have really great lives -- they are married, successful and have children and friends and everything so it's probably fine that Jack doesn't eat a lot ... and bridget started laughing and laughing. I had a glimmer of how loco I have become .. that I am living in an odd reality that no one else shares. I am confident that once I start sleeping, I'll be less delusional. I hope anyway..