No certainty

I recently read an article called 13 Questions to Ask Before Getting Married. It really bothered me. Ryan and I have been together almost 17 years. We asked no questions before getting married. We already owned a home and had been together for 5 years before getting married. My decision to get married was based on the fact that I didn't see myself ever breaking up with Ryan, so why not get married? Here was our conversation about children:

Me: Ryan, I am pregnant.
Ryan: Wow.

And here we are. I don't know how the story ends.

Similarly, 5 years ago, I read A Blueprint for a Woman's Life, and it irritated me for the same reason. There is no script for living the right life. People learn through experience and making mistakes. It's the only way. I can look back and see I have done some things that don't seem very smart now, but I also see that I would not be where I am today if I had not done those things. Those "mistakes" or "regrets" delivered me to the life I have now (and I am very grateful for that life).

I hope I can convey to my kids that anyone who suggests that there is some right way to live your life is trying to sell something.*

*Unless the article is about the many reasons you should not become a drug addict or alcoholic. Then you, my children, should definitely believe that.

Moving on

I have moved on from my sadness about the diagnosis. There is much to be grateful for and self-pity is only enjoyable for a short time. Then it's just tiresome. I am now reading books by Temple Grandin. She is a very inspirational woman who writes a lot for parents like me and kids like Jack. She would certainly not understand or indulge in anything but moving forward with compassion.

I also wonder how much this needs to be part of my identity. It's a little odd that I would take on a label as well. Pondering that one...

Skiing!

I am sure I have written about the fact that learning to ski is mandatory in our family. I did not grow up skiing and therefore, I will never be a great skier. Even though I am not that good, I love to ski. It is a great sport for a northwest family (the obvious downside is the cost but rational spending be damned! who needs college?) . We can be outside when it's otherwise cold and miserable. We are exercising, taking risks, learning and mostly having fun.

We spent a week in Sun Peaks BC in January with some family friends of ours. The kids really improved their skiing. We loved being outside in Canada (great views! great country! great people! great exchange rate!). We are going to Whistler to ski in April. I am living my dream. However, I have not told the kids. If we were living their dream, we'd be heading to the sun.

Our friends. So fun to have them with us.

Us. Jack as ninja skier

Canada!

Mom's Pity Party

This is a blog about my experience as a parent. I realize that there is a point where I probably can't make my feelings public. Maybe I am already there. Perhaps I will password protect the blog so my kids and their community will never read it. I don't think this blog is any of their business yet it's public and really no one's business except my own. They might argue that I am talking about their lives so its content belongs to them. I don't know the answer to all that yet.

Today, we received a diagnosis. They are common these days so it might not sound like a big deal but it feels like a big deal. I feel sad. I feel like I finally have a label for all this difficulty and churn and it feels heavy. If I told you about it in more detail you would say 'oh I know lots of people with that who live productive lives' or 'it could be worse' or 'you are lucky that ... fill in the blank with all the ways I am lucky' All of these things are true.

But here is what is also true: my kid has to deal with more hardship than his typical peers. He is harder to parent than a typical child. So for a moment or maybe a few hours, I just want to feel sorry for myself. It sucks.

Goodbye for Now, Terry

My Dad's wife passed away in November. Her family had put her in a nursing home 2 years ago. She quickly progressed through more severe stages of dementia. We were never close to her children but felt fortunate they called my brother to tell us about her death. Her family had decided they would not hold a service for Terry but my siblings and I needed to mark the occasion and somehow, say goodbye. We invited my dad and Terry's friends to a brunch near their home. Their friends are all in their 80's and even one woman who is 90.

We reminisced, laughed, cried and chatted about other things as well: the legalization of marijuana for example. One of my dad's friends and fellow right winger ranted. He said he loved talking politics with my dad and I could understand why -- they were of the same rush limbaugh-influenced mind.

My dad's best friend mentioned he has lost both of his best friends. They are gone now, and he feels alone without them. It's hard to look forward to that time of life. I felt the group was fairly subdued. I imagine they are tired of such memorials. Loss, loss and more loss. It's hard.

Post-memorial. Hermanos gather.

It's the most miserable time of the year!

December is always hard. It rained a lot and that didn't help. I think the anticipation of the Christmas acquisition event is too much for the kids to bear. Jack was especially cranky and angry. Sonia whined a lot.  Ryan had quite a few days off, and we, sadly, spent a few just hanging around the house with no other idea of what to do, I guess. Every time the kids would start fighting or complaining (almost every 5 minutes it seemed), Ryan and I would start singing, "it's the most miserable time of the year!" It made Sonia laugh and Jack generally got angrier. I told Ryan I would like to go to Israel some December since it's not a holiday there.

We had some friends over for dessert and drinks on Christmas afternoon. The kids watched Star Wars on a projector we borrowed. That was fun.

Our vacation in 2 minutes

Los Estados Unidos en Mexico

We are in Sayulita, a small town north of Puerto Vallarta.  Here is the view from our mostly-outdoor home:

It's really wonderful that we have this view because many of us have been spending a lot of time here. Ryan had a surfing accident of sorts. When exiting a wave, he was slammed into the sand and really can't move much. He cannot swim. He cannot sneeze. He cannot move his upper body without a great deal of discomfort.  Last night, Jack woke up vomiting and did that every hour until I went to a little clinic here and got him anti-nausea medicine. He now has a fever. 

A bummer, since it's not the ideal way to spend vacation but it's still a lovely vacation. We are moving at a snail's pace. Sonia and I hung out at the beach and at the home of our friends who are staying about 10 minutes walk from our home. 

A few nights this week, we've hired two women to cook for us at our friends' home. The home also has a pool so we lounge about there a lot too.

The weather is warm. There is lots of sun. We are happy to be here.

9 years!

Jack is 9. We have been parents for 9 years. It's hard to believe we existed before that. Who were those people? Too bad I didn't keep a blog then. This blog is also 9 years old. 9! The transformation of becoming a parent is impossible to overstate or accurately state. My focus and identity are completely different now. That may also be due to aging and experiencing life.

In any case, Jack is 9. He talks most about Minecraft. He enjoys swimming and our weekly trip to circus school. He reads most of the time he is at home. Our biggest parenting challenge is control over the screens in Jack's life. He seems ambivalent about school.. or maybe I am just ambivalent about his school experience as I experience it. Hard to separate my perceptions from my perceptions of his perceptions.

We are in Mexico right now... We started our vacation at a bland but kid-friendly all-inclusive resort outside of Puerto Vallarta. I wouldn't come back but it's been an easy three days. Jack was thrilled to spend his birthday on an airplane (in front of a screen) and then in the ocean and swimming pool later. I am grateful to be with him and our little family.

Jack declined to be in this photo:

Halloween

Time passes so quickly. It's darker now and on Saturday, we will celebrate Halloween. Surreal. We carved pumpkins with our dear friend Heather and her family on Sunday.

We also visited Heather's cousin (and our former nanny) Gen. She has a child of her own now and a really cool mini John Deere tractor that Jack loved. I think he would have liked living on a farm.

Manzanita

Ryan loves surfing so we are teaching the kids to surf. Growing up in the Northwest, this means wet suits. Getting a wetsuit on a child is like getting a wet suit on a monkey. I was very tempted to swear. Besides that inconvenience, going to the beach with the kids is great fun. We visited the amazing Cape Lookout State Park. We had to hike two miles down a steep hill with all of our gear (and up of course). The kids did really well. I was very surprised. The love surfing with Dad.

We also visited Short Sands - a lovely beach between Manzanita and Cannon Beach Oregon. We had great weather too. It was a memorable vacation.

Cape Lookout State Park

Before the big hike down

Haystack Rock

Short Sands Beach - Photo by Jack

Dad and daughter

Transitions

My kids are now both in elementary school. They are in the same place for 6 consecutive hours. What do I do with all my time, you ask? Well. I am transitioning. I had planned to use my time to work on my software. I do that. But I work alone and now I can work for 5 hour stretches. I get bored and a bit lonely. I need to figure out how to structure my time so I can pay attention. Maybe I will schedule shorter stretches of work outside my house?

That would be a better idea than what I did this past week. This week, I downloaded the first series of Outlander and watched 15 hours of TV in three days. I have not watched 15 hours of TV in the last 9 years combined. I was just looking at an Outlander fan website. Soon, I will gain 30 pounds, have an outdated hair style, start knitting and posting favorite cat pictures on Pinterest.

God help me.

Parenting

The longer I parent, the less I think it has any effect on the parented. My kids are so different from me. I am sure my habits influence them. I know the environment does too. However, I don't think anything I say or insist on guides them except maybe to inspire them to rebellion.

Here is a video of Sonia playing soccer. She is a very competitive and aggressive little player. At this stage of play, the faster, tougher girls just get more time with the ball. Sonia cried yesterday when her team lost. She is motivated to practice and be a good player. I have no part in this. Neither does Ryan. She is just this way. Jack, meanwhile, laid on the soccer field during scrimmage when Ryan signed him up for a league. He has no interest in competition but don't get him started on airplanes or dinosaurs or Minecraft or the solar system.

It seems the main job of a parent is to keep the children fed and step out of their way as you can't control much anyway.

Happy 6th birthday Sonia!

Sonia's birthday was all celebration. Aunt Katie surprised her for a visit. We had ten girls over for tea. We painted bird houses, ate small sandwiches, sipped tea, ate cake, had a dance party and pillow fight, watched a show then destroyed a pinata. Great fun had by all.

My mom and stepfather came for a spaghetti dinner. The adults ate while Sonia and Jack played with the neighbors and some friends that hung out while their parents worked. The kids ate dinner then more dessert. The kids get to choose whatever they want to eat all day on their birthday so a mountain of sugar was consumed.

FOS

Sonia frequently contradicts me. She doesn't seem to trust many of the things I say to her. She might believe she knows more than I do.  Here is an example:

Tonight she wanted to play Marco Polo.  As the person calling Marco! she ran into the wall. I commented that was why Marco Polo is better played in the pool. She said that wasn't true. She knew someone (but I didn't know this person) who hit their head on the side of the pool while playing Marco Polo. This person's head split open and they couldn't fix it. Then she died. Well, she didn't die but she looked really weird because of all the bandages.

Other side of summer

It seems I've been posting our summer highlights on Instagram and our summer lows on the blog. Here is a little photo essay of our summer. These past few months have actually been the most fun the kids and I have had yet.

A day at the Science Center to see the Grossology exhibit

Seattle center fountain

I was able to read for 10 minutes one day while the kids played. Worth noting.

Hot summer

Gathering with buddies in our favorite relaxation spot: the hammock

MOHAI -- Prohibition exhibit

Library time

A visit to Lincoln park wading pool to see one of Sonia's favorite preschool teachers. Her daughter has the same birthday as Sonia.

Great time on Guemes Island with family friends

Building blocks at my old yoga studio that is now closing

Sonia and I camped with family friends in the North Cascades. It rained the whole time. We had to leave one night early as our friends' tent was swamped the first night. We still had fun though.

Ryan and Jack went to the Oregon coast while Sonia and I camped

We had our pool to ourselves on many hot, sunny afternoons. The kids are with our 10 year old buddy

Lots of slow time around the house just doing ..whatever.

Hysteria

Yesterday, Ryan, Jack and I were eating dinner. Sonia went outside to play with our neighbors. A few minutes later, Ryan asked where she was and I said she was at the neighbors. Then I ran up there to check on her. The neighbors weren't home. Then I started calling her name. I went to the home of two other neighbors with kids and neither had seen her.

Then my brain made the following connection: If Sonia is not on this block, then someone has taken her. And I became hysterical. I started screaming her name. I was crying. All of the neighbors who knew me came out of their homes and started helping me look for her. I insisted someone call the police. When I was talking to the dispatcher, I was so panicked I could not remember what Sonia had been wearing.

Then, someone had the sense to check the home of a neighbor who is not on the block but lives across the street. As I stood on the corner sobbing, a police car drove up and Sonia walked out onto the corner. She had simply gone somewhere she doesn't usually go without telling me. Because my mind had made the leap into panic that thought had not occurred to me.

My neighbors were kind. I was embarrassed.

There is a saying: if you hear hoof beats, think horses not zebras.  While running around my block, I thought about all the people who've lectured me because I allow my kids the freedom to walk around on their own. I thought about the news stories that would say I am a bad parent because I don't keep them in my view all the time.

I believe giving my kids freedom is important for their development. My hope is next time I will think about horses.

Crabbing and crabs

We visited the grandparents this weekend on the beautiful Olympic peninsula. We had great weather and lots of fun activities but both of the kids were crabby complainers all weekend.  It was annoying. In my more generous moments, I know that this is just life with kids. They can be moody or tired or whatever and that misery is foisted on the rest of us. In less generous moments, I want to run away.

They seem happy on the boat while crabbing.

Heard in my house

Jack does not like going to church. He doesn't like to do anything if he doesn't want to do so he digs in. He eventually comes with me but not before he spews invective -- all the swear words he knows + the worst things he can think to say.

Me: Jack,  we are going to church now.

Jack: I hate church.

Me: Ok, but you still have to go. It's important to spend time in silence with nothing to do but be with God.

Jack: I hate God. Jesus got what he deserved.

Cue the record player needle scratching across the record as my grandmother turns over in her grave or, at least, feels sorry for me.

Sonia recently began speaking Chinese.  She told Jack that she was speaking Chinese and he was impressed.

Jack: Where did you learn that?

Sonia: Well, it's not exactly Chinese. It's fairy Chinese. It's the Chinese the fairies speak. So if you want to go to a restaurant you say 'ma sha ka da ma'

Jack: Oh restaurant is ka da ma?

Sonia: Yes.

Seabrook sucked

Apologies for my bad word.

It did though.

Seabrook is this great little beach town created all at once .. like the way Venus sprung out of Zeus' head a fully formed adult. It was created for families -- bike paths, a small retail street, a central park with lots of space for games, fire pits, and a beautiful beach.

Unfortunately, we visited on a rainy, crappy Washington coast weekend. It was beautiful in Seattle though. We visited the indoor pool, braved the cold beach, played Life, Uno, Settlers of Cataan, and introduced the kids to The Simpsons. We made the best of it but we probably won't return.