Recently heard at my house

Jack (yelling, exasperated) : Sonia! When are you going to leave me alone?!

Sonia (yelling, victorious): NEVER!!

Christ is a Raisin!

Last fall I started taking the kids to church. A devout atheist, Ryan does not attend. I've realized over the years of child raising that there isn't a great way to teach kids about the value of silence and "unproductive" time. I hope I am teaching them to be kind to others and to be generous. I hope I am teaching them that they are worthy of love no matter what they do or who they become. And that all people are worthy of love no matter what they do or who they become.

However, I am just one person and it turns out there is an institution dedicated to all of those lessons. We attend an Episcopalian church. I am Catholic and would like to take them to that church. Sadly, they require a pledge of fealty by both parents in order to enroll the kids in their education program. And, see above, that's not going to happen. Also, I would have a lot of explaining to do.. Hey mom, why aren't there women priests? Why don't gay people feel comfortable here? Errrrr, no non-hypocritical answers there.

The Episcopalians are great. I have Henry VIII to thank for their separation from the pope because as a result, each church can truly meet the needs of their congregation. We in Seattle are very liberal. We like the gays. We don't think the poor deserve what they get. Our church embraces all that. We always sit near a trans-gendered woman and I am just so pleased she is comfortable and welcome.

The priest (married two kids) gave a great sermon at the Easter service. He knows that some of the people in attendance may not actually believe that Jesus walked out of that tomb. But he also knows we are there for a reason. He talked about the mystery of our faith. He told a story of an easter egg hunt where all the eggs had little messages for the kids. One 5 year old girl opened her egg which said 'Christ in risen' and read 'Christ is a raisin?'.  He said the first is just as mysterious as the second. He talked about Brene Brown and her teachings on vulnerability as well as Jesus' call for us to be vulnerable in order to serve others and love ourselves unconditionally. There was lots more but I thought it was great.

The kids gave up pizza for lent. A few days before Easter I explained more about what Easter was about and how it was the end of lent. I then asked, "So what are we celebrating this sunday?" and they both shouted, "Pizza!"

Hmmm. They'll get it one day though.

Easter celebration and our lovely church

egg hunt with neighbors

post egg hunt (beautiful day!)

The hammock

We purchased a hammock last year from REI. Laying in this hammock is heaven for adults and great fun for kids. It's hours of entertainment and loved by all. I am grateful we have had some hammock-appropriate weather lately.

Twins

The other night, Sonia had a big melt down. I left and she was tired so she flipped out. In all of her crying and gnashing of teeth, she listed many complaints for Ryan. One was that "mom does not dress fancy."  This is true.

Sonia has recently tried to pick out my clothes. When I tell her I'd rather she didn't, she threatens me in a way that sounds sort of familiar "If you let me pick out your clothes then I won't kick you." She has picked up on the fact that Ryan and I say "If you do not do x, then we can't do y." Clearly, this is the blowback from our ill-considered behavior modification methods. Alfie Kohn would not be pleased but as far as I can tell the internal motivation of my kids does not match mine in any way. Therefore, the x then y method of child-raising.

So back to clothes, recently Sonia has been very interested in being twins. We wear the same color pants and shirt for example and this makes her happy. I do not remember ever wanting to be twins with my mother but I do know there is a picture somewhere of me and my mom in an identical tan shirt/skirt with embroidered rainbows on them. So I must not have minded the twin thing.

Dress with bunnies from aunt katie
I do not have the same dress.

Recently heard at my house

Jack: Mom, life is like fine cheese.
Mom: why is that?
Jack: Um (pause) because it's so good?

I later learned that there is a panel in the Garfield comic book that Jack loves that has part of this dialog. Garfield says "Life is like fine cheese because it gets more precious with age."

Jack loves Garfield. I think he really loves the facial expressions because he doesn't understand the humor. The above example is good reason why it is hard to explain.

Fast forward

Ryan purchased an app that takes video and replays it at triple the normal speed. It's especially cool for watching seemingly boring, low-key events like the hour we prepare and eat dinner with the kids. Ryan took this one of him playing with the kids.. shows you how they are always moving.

Waiting is the hardest part

Because my kids are human, they are very impatient. When they want things NOW, I often sing the chorus to Tom Petty's song The Waiting so they know that this is such a common part of the human experience that there is a song about it.  We play the song from time to time and they know the chorus. We were playing it recently and they started to dance. About 20 seconds in you get to see what great dancers we have.

The age of reason and external motivation

Someone told me that 7 is the age of reason.  I have observed that Jack seems older all of a sudden. He is reading. He likes to read and reads whenever there is a book around. He has been enjoying the Garfield cartoon books.  The popularity of cat videos on youtube reminds me that people really enjoy funny cats.

He takes his plate to the sink. He rarely has tantrums. He brings his back pack in from the car after school. He loves legos. He is HIGHLY motivated by the promise of screen time. We have started watching a 20 minute bbc show in the evenings called 'Shaun the Sheep.' We all love this show. It is laugh-out-loud funny. So with the promise of the show, the kids clean up, get ready for bed and Jack works on his homework. Alfie Kohn says this is terrible. I am raising children who will only participate with the promise of a reward. They will develop no internal motivation. For many, many years, I tried to develop internal motivation in my kids. They never helped around the house. They were not motivated by their responsibility as part of the family or ephemeral concepts like being kind. They are both motivated by the only things I fervently control - sugar and screen time. They are also motivated (albeit less so) when I tell them if they don't pick up their toys, I'll throw them away. I always follow through but they just don't care that much about most toys.

A recent conversation in our house

Sonia (crying and yelling): Mom, you don't know anything about life!

Mom: Sonia, you are sitting in a glass house.

Sonia's deep thoughts

"Dear Class: I threw up"

Over the break Sonia wrote the above as a letter to her class describing what happened to her during her vacation. She wanted them to know. She told me her teachers would be so sad. Lots happened over vacation but this was her full report. 

Today, she got dressed for the second time. She put on this outfit anticipating a visit from our neighbors.  

She said to me, "this is an outfit that a little girl wears when she goes hunting with her daddy and they kill people." That was definitely not where I thought that was going.

Little Snow

This year's snow fall at our nearest resort has been a big disappointment so far. However, we signed the kids up for ski lessons so we are going.  Today was our first day. They seemed to have fun.

A sort of merry christmas

In 1997, I did not go home for Christmas. It was the second time I had not returned home -- the first was Christmas of 1992 when I was studying abroad and went to Israel with a group of students. I couldn't go home in 1997 because I worked for amazon and I had to work. My sister called and asked me what I was going to do.. before I could answer she said, 'are you going to sit alone in your kitchen with a sad little charlie brown christmas tree, holding a cigarette over your martini and singing an off-key have yourself a merry little christmas?  The image is still so funny to me -- I imagine myself in an old robe with messed up hair .. and lots of ash hanging onto the cigarette.

This Christmas, I have been feeling low. I conjure that image and while it still makes me laugh, I feel like that image at times.  It could be the weather or it could be that Christmas is a difficult time of year when you have experienced significant loss. My dad is not going to send me a card. This is true every day but for some reason, it bugs me more now.  There is something about Christmas that reminds me of everything that is missing .. instead of what it should remind me of ... gratitude, peace, forgiveness.

I also just went to see the movie Gravity. Amazing, amazing movie about loss, isolation, and fear. Gravity is also about hope, perseverance, faith and redemption. I liked it because it's about all of it. The whole experience. If I had the power to change the Christmas theme, it would be a time of reflection and sadness as well as a time of hope and joy. There would be sad songs with all of this merriment. Balance is healthy.

sonia's style

I've decided that my deepest fears for my kids can be categorized by their gender and are endemic to our culture. For Jack, I fear isolation. I think lonliness and isolation are real problems for men in our culture. As a result, my highest priority for Jack is teaching him good social skills. I care more about his ability to make friends than any of his academic abilities. For Sonia, I fear worthlessness. Did you see those Dove beauty ads? Or read the bio of any woman successful in the business world? Women tend to struggle with feelings of worthlessness or inferiority and it can be really crippling. It's why, when I observed an 8th grade class a while ago, all of the girls started their sentences with qualifiers (this might be wrong or this might be stupid) and I didn't hear one boy do that. I don't think I can battle the forces of our culture so I can only teach my kids how to deal with their consequences.

Recently, Sonia has been posing for people when she says hello. For example, she walks into her preschool and waits for her teacher to compliment her. They usually do. People often tell Sonia how cute she is (as we do for little girls). So after she gets dressed and asks me how she looks, I say, what do you think? I tell her it doesn't really matter what I think. Does she like the way she looks? Then that's what matters. Don't look to other people to give you approval.  I hope to cultivate a strong sense of individuality in Sonia and a strong sense of being part of a community with Jack.. I think the opposite will come naturally to them.

Sonia and Queen Kapiolani in Honolulu. Outfit by Sonia

From paradise

I have often thought ( and I know I am not the first ) that Seattle and the NW look like Switzerland. We are in Hawaii this week and it looks like heaven... or what heaven should look like if it's paradise. Our trip was one I planned at the last minute. I found cheap tickets out of Bellingham. My mother's college roommate lives here and invited us to stay in her guest house.  I feel so lucky it all worked out so beautifully.

Nothing can spoil the beauty and peaceful vibe of this island. However, 2 children who fight constantly does threaten one's enjoyment of anything. The first two days we were here, the kids fought constantly. At one point, Ryan dropped me off at a grocery store. I told him not to worry if I didn't come out .. that I would meet him at the airport. In response, he asked if I'd left him the cyanide pill. It was not great. Luckily, they snapped out of it and great times have been had by all since.

Mostly, we've just hung out at some of the world's most beautiful beaches. Ryan has surfed. The kids play on the beach and swim in the water. We are generally out all day. We pack lunch, snacks and water. Often we stop for coffee and extra snacks. Today, we had shaved ice in Haleiwa at a place that had been open since 1951. There was a line out of the door -- it was worth the wait.

The kids seem to be stuck on Seattle time so they go to bed early and wake up early. We have dinner with our hosts in their amazing house. I am not sure if I have ever been in a nicer house ( see view below).  We are really grateful for this experience.

No jetway in Bellingham

Makapuu

Volcanic rock at Makapuu beach

Kailua Beach

No more fighting -- Kailua

Swanzy Beach Park -- Kaaawa

View from the home of our hosts. Swimming pool in foreground

We hiked up to Manoa Falls 

Banzai Pipeline, North Shore

post parent-teacher conference

Today I had my 4th parent-teacher conference. Since it would hard to have a worse experience than my first conference, this one was just the usual level of suck.  If you do not have a rule-follower who enjoys work sheets, you won't like them either.  Jack is unique. I'll agree to this. The struggle we (meaning me and the teacher) are having is that he is not motivated to complete his work. He doesn't seem to understand that there is a problem with not completing it. Either he doesn't get it or he doesn't care. I think it's the former. I understand his point of view. Why is it important that he finish math computations or handwriting practice?  He's not interested in my argument that pilots and astronauts are good at math. You have to build those skills. It's too abstract. He is not motivated by what those around him are doing... you can see how that might help him later in life.. even if it doesn't, I can't and won't change that about him.

Perhaps he is unlucky that he has a parent whose own parents seemed to always accept her as she was. I am still grateful for this so I am not much of a micro-managing parent. Maybe that is doing him a disservice? The tough part is that you cannot separate who you are as a person from who you are as a parent. I could never be a tiger mom. I am not that aggressive about anything in my own life. It seems to have worked out for me.. of course, I was a rule follower who enjoyed work sheets. I am sure my parents enjoyed parent-teacher conferences.

The worst part of this experience is that I have to believe the rules don't work for us and therefore, don't apply. I am terrible at that. Give me a formula and I will follow it. I told the teacher today that not all children have the same academic trajectory.  I want to support him. Honestly, where education is concerned, I just don't know the best way to do that right now.

Time is going too fast

People say this about adulthood but now it's getting ridiculous. A year feels like a month. I cannot believe it is November. Jack is 7. When did this happen? We have been very busy -- which is not my preferred way to be. I finally launched the software I've been building. See it live at Spilt Milk Nannies. The nanny part of the business belongs to a young woman who has watched my kids for a few years now. Her old website was hard to use and cobbled together. Soon, I'll create a simple website to explain the business more thoroughly. For now, my job is owning and managing the software. We hope to license the software to other like-minded entrepreneurial child-care providers. 

Anyway, I've committed to not reducing the amount of child care I am doing which means my life has felt a bit squeezed. That said, we've still had fun. Jack and Sonia are both happy in school. In addition, we go to circus school and sunday school and swimming lessons. This is what happens when your mom likes school. Lessons! Learning! I have chosen activities I think are fun and I participate as well. Circus school is my favorite. For now, the kids enjoy these activities. Weekends are fairly low-key for the kids but I've been working so Ryan and I split the child care on weekends.  In a few days, we go to Hawaii. We are looking forward to the sun, the beach and the warmth. 

Sonia and I at a birthday party for a friend

Watching our newest neighbor, Mo.

Smoothy mustache!

Happy 7th Birthday Jack!

Well, it's getting real over here. Jack is 7 today. Jack has been here 7 years. I have been a parent for 7 years. The transformation is so complete I can't imagine not being a parent. While it is still challenging, its more fun now than ever.

Jack is a great kid. He is adventurous, easy-going, adaptable. He loves legos, books, and playing outside with our neighbors... They especially enjoy playing Harry Potter or Star Wars and their favorite place to play is inside our mini-van. They pretend its a ship. An unexpected thing about Jack is that he is an adventurous eater. He still has 100 calorie days which still drive me insane .. but I try to be ok with it. Mostly he eats like a normal person which I never thought possible. He is still, as he has always been, his own independent-minded person.  He does what he wants with whom he wants. He can't be talked out of his own ideas.  We went a restaurant of Jack's choosing last night - Vios (for the mac n cheese and gelato). Each of us said what we loved most about Jack. I wish I could remember what Sonia said but Jack said his favorite thing about himself is that he is brave. And this is true - he is.

We celebrated with Jack's buddies over the weekend. We also went to a birthday party of another friend. They had music and Jack danced up a storm.

We're so glad you're here Jack!

LEGO Fest

Last weekend, we visited Portland to attend Lego Fest -- which was just what you think it was -- a festival with Legos. Family adventures are always fun for me. On weekends at home, the four of us are rarely together. Ryan and I tend to take the kids alone for part of each day while the other does something else. When we travel, we are always together. The kids seem very flexible about driving long distances or staying in strange places.  Something generally goes wrong and we have to adapt. I've always enjoyed the unknown of travel but travel with kids takes that unknown to a new level.

I am glad I attended Lego Fest but I will probably avoid kid-focused events for quite some time. It was crowded and some important components of the world of legos seemed to be missing from the hands-on sections of the festival. For example, the mini-figures are very important to Jack's construction projects but there weren't any. We suspected either the organizers were afraid people would steal them or that they were all stolen by the time we arrived.  Sonia and I spent several hours in the Lego Friends area.. constructing homes with lots of pale pink, blue and green legos with lots of flowers and trees. We both had fun.  It is so odd how that was the only lego section that appealed to either of us and not at all to Jack or Ryan. Everything else was Ninjago, Star Wars, Mindstorms or other (I guess) boy-themed legos. Why don't I like that stuff? Is it really the double x?

Besides Lego Fest, we hit a cute cafe Sunday morning for some delicious Portland coffee. Then onto a park behind the famous rose gardens and later to our friends' home in Camas.

Harry Potter lego sculpture

Sonia is proud of her house and does not want to dismantle it.

My dream room. There are windows along the left wall too.

Delicious coffee and hot chocolate

Why does Sonia like this instead of Ninjago? I hate Ninjago too though.

Robert's wedding

The adult highlight of the fall was going to our friends' Robert and Mario's wedding in Oakland.  Grandma and Grandpa watched Sonia and Jack as we spent 2 days solo in sunny and warm Oakland. When we arrived, we ate a lovely lunch at an amazing sushi restaurant in san francisco. We wandered around the city a bit then had gelato at our favorite North Beach gelateria. Then returned to Oakland for the first of many parties. Robert and Mario did not miss a detail. Everything was perfect. It was so fun to go to their wedding.. so full of joy.  One of the most moving toasts was one by a priest, a dear friend of the couple. He talked about the wedding as a very important event because to marry is to say yes to life. He went on in the articulate way that only Jesuits can quoting mystics and philosophers. His point was that saying yes to life is to live fully: to embrace all that unfolds from pain and tears to joy and laughter. Ryan and I have been using the emphatic YES to life especially when our kids start to get on our nerves.. Saying YES means accepting it all so you can experience it all. It helps us in those small annoying moments that seem to happen as much as the small, lovely moments.  This was likely his point.

Of course, random gondolas float by during the ceremony.

Happy Birthday Sonia!

I am posting this really late... over a month late.. 

We had lots of celebrations to celebrate Sonia's 4th birthday. First, a gathering of school friends at a nearby park with cupcakes (very casual, the playground was the entertainment). The following day, we had a bigger party for our neighborhood and family friends. We had lots of food, bubbles, a playground, balloons, and lots of fun. I had made a cake from an organic mix and it turned out to be far too small to serve the 20 people who were going to be at the party. I had to spend $50 on cupcakes. That was painful. Next year, no mix!

The next day we had lunch with grandparents. We exchanged more gifts and ate macaroons from Bakery Nouveau. Heaven!

Sonia's preschool asked we bring healthy treats for birthdays. I brought fruit with homemade whipped cream on top. No one at it except Sonia and the little guy sitting next to her. Kids want cake.

Sonia pouting at her first party -- at Madison Park. Originally planned as a swimming party but had to be changed last minute due to clouds and cold. The other kids didn't mind.

Sonia at the playground party -- happier with cupcakes and tiara.

Ryan made chocolate mousse to celebrate Sonia's 4th. Jack enjoyed it. Aunt Katie says this picture makes him look like Captain Jack Sparrow.

The $35 cupcakes

Moms sitting at a party. So unusual I had to capture it.