First they step on your toes

While we've been having a great summer, there has a been a persistent storm occurring inside our home. Jack has been the rainmaker. He and I have been having mountains of conflict.  When he doesn't get what he wants -- screen time or time with our neighbors or having to do something he doesn't want to do (ie go to the Seattle Art Museum), he screams all the invective he knows. A few months ago, it was all directed at me and Ryan. Now it's being directed at other people: the neighbors, his grandparents.  He says things like 'you are stupid' or 'you need to die' and he screams these words.

I firmly explain that anger is fine but you can't express your anger in a way that hurts others. He doesn't seem to notice that people either ignore him or don't want to be around him (in the case of our neighbors). He doesn't understand the effect. He seems to lack the ability to see how his words hurt him more than anyone else because they isolate him.

A recent conversation:

Jack: Mom, do you love me?
Mom: Yes. I always love you.
Jack: Well, I don't love you.

This was outside of any conflict.. just a matter-of-fact observation of the moment on his part.

We learned this summer that Jack has 7 cavities.  In the last few years, he has become increasingly resistant to teeth brushing. We brushed his teeth once a day rather than have the fight. And this is what we got for our lack of effort: a mouth full of cavities. I learned that sometimes the fight is worth it. He cannot see the consequences of his actions. Oddly, because of the cavity situation, I have decided the conflict may just be part of the deal for the things I need to care about most -- mental and physical health issues.

Since the cavity diagnosis, Jack no longer resists twice daily dental hygiene. He gets it because he experienced the consequences. That is also going to be part of deal. I can't grow up for Jack. Mistakes are life's greatest teacher. I'll do my best then he'll have to do the rest.

PS. My mom visited this week. Jack was stepping on my feet and I asked him to please stop doing that. My mom said 'First they step on your toes. Then they step on your heart.' She was quoting a friend who had many children and even lost one. It was not comforting. However, it acknowledges that sadness is a part of parenthood.