On the fence

Before I had Jack, I was fairly ambivalent about children. I was not particularly drawn to them, and I wasn't particularly excited about having one. I felt like it was something I might regret not doing but I was not really sure about why I wanted to do it. To people who know it's not right for them, I say great. One can live a full life without children. I have had occasion to talk to people who are on the fence as I was. I say to them, if I knew then what I knew now, I would have done it sooner. If there wasn't such a huge population problem and Seattle wasn't so darn expensive, I'd have many. I had a feeling this might happen.. this radical shift to a have-a-child cheerleader. I watched it happen to so many of my friends. One day they were interested in talking about politics and relationships and celebrity gossip; then they have a kid and all they want to talk about is the advantages and disadvantages of the family bed or diapers or spit up or ear infections or whatever other extremely boring thing their kid happened to be going through at the moment. And, they were just thrilled about it. Now, if I am talking to another parent.. yep, there is no child-related minutiae I don't enjoy talking about. Crazy.

Happy its-almost-spring!

On Monday I will be finished with my epic chemistry course. I started it at the end of September..and even though my due date was November 24 and the class didn't finish until December 14, I thought I could probably finish. I would just do homework while the new baby slept and then take the final. The fact that I ever thought this makes me laugh out loud. Clearly, I had no idea.



I am marveling at the change of season because I remember staring out this same window in November and December thinking it would always be dark; it would always either be raining or snowing or hailing, and that would be my life forever. It's true what they say -- what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger. I am thrilled with the cherry blossoms.



While I am at school, Bridget is now taking care of another baby while she watches Jack. The little one's name is Lily and she is 7 days older than Jack. She has stunning motor skills for her age - she can roll over, push her torso up so far she looks like she is doing upward dog, and she seems to be trying to crawl. She has a lot of energy whereas Jack just seems more chill. I didn't really think he had much of a personality yet but compared to another baby, he does. Do any of us have personality when not compared to anyone else?



Also, we went to a St Patrick's day party on Sunday. I dressed Jack in his finest Irish themed clothing.. His new thing is that he won't fall asleep unless he is at home.. this is a problem because he gets very cranky when we are out and he is overdue for sleep... as you can see here. Normally Bridget makes him very happy... but not when he is tired.

Gushing

Yesterday, jack squealed with delight as he lay under his new gymini. He had never squealed and he is just starting to laugh.

Before I go on, I must write a disclaimer. A few months ago, a woman in first weeks said that when her husband asked her what she wanted for christmas, she said she'd already gotten her present (referring to her son). I thought this was a lovely thing to say but the comment stuck in my head because it's something I would never say. I don't want to gush about motherhood because I feel obligated to do it. I don't understand where the pressure comes from but the book The Mommy Myth proposes some ideas. In any case, I try not to precede any critiques I have with this experience with the sentiment that I love Jack and would throw myself in front of a train for him. I notice people do this all the time. "I am so in love with Junior but the sleep deprivation is really getting to me" or "Of course I love being a mom but diaper changing is not my thing" or whatever. All statements have to be preceded with the good mother disclaimer. Gushing is acceptable, socially appropriate and encouraged; negative feelings need to be couched with gushing. It's a drag. How about balance? It seems all parents feel everything -- why the pressure to hide?

So all that said, now I have to gush. The noise of Jack squealing and laughing is the sound of pure joy. It makes me happy and I am so grateful for his presence. And we love this gymini. It's a must have for all wee ones.

Contrast

In my last few years at amazon, i had a lot of free time. It's why I stayed there so long. I did yoga almost every day for 2 hours - I trained for triathlons and the bigride - and when i wasn't cycling or yoga-ing, I socialized. I dug it. But I knew I had to move off of the path of least resistance, so I returned to school. Working part time and taking 2 lab sciences a quarter, I had very little free time.. but I still had some. I could still practice yoga in the morning, do the occasional workout, see the occasional movie. Then I had Jack. Now there is no time for those things unless I arrange a babysitter. One of the unexpected side effects of extreme free-time limitation is that when I get to do one of my old hobbies, I am beyond thrilled. I savor every moment.. So last week in Arizona, I got to swim. As I surveyed the pool (one I had jumped into daily for 5 years as a kid without thought) I felt so fortunate. The sun! the warm water! It was great.

Arizona

Yesterday I returned from a week with my parents in Arizona. It was lovely. I grew up in a small planned community 25 miles west of phoenix. The town grew around a country club built for executives from the Goodyear Tire and Rubber company in the 1920s. It used to be surrounded by cotton fields but now there are houses where the farmland used to be. Litchfield Park, as it's called, is a strange little place. The streets are lined with orange trees that are inedible (this was done on purpose). While the weather is generally beautiful in the winter, you rarely see anyone out except on one of the country club's 3 golf courses. The politics are john wayne republican ( influenced by the air force base nearby) and almost everyone is white except the people tending to the inedible orange trees.

I cannot believe I grew up there and once my parents leave, I'll never return. However, I still really enjoy visiting. I can push aside my repulsion of the elitism of the country club for a week of laying in the sun, drinking by the pool, and getting spa treatments. Since this time I brought jack with me, my country club activities were limited but we still had fun.

My dad, stepmother, sister and brother had never met him and they were just thrilled. My mom helped me a lot, and she also had a great time with the monkey. I was able to go see my first movie in 4 months -- Breach. Normally, I would have thought the movie was ok but since I never see movies anymore (I haven't even watched one at home) this was a great time.

Jack is growing up. He is eating a lot more now. He spends a lot of time trying to get his hand to his mouth and when he succeeds, he can soothe himself but sucking on his hand or thumb. He holds his head up pretty well and he can sit up with only his back supported and not fall to one side. Big time stuff.

He does not enjoy posing for pictures. He will not smile just because you tell him to -- he was like this in utero too. Whenever people wanted to feel him kicking, I poked my abdomen to get him to perform. He never did. But his straight face is still darn cute.




My dad, Jack and me



My sister and Jack

My mom, Jack and me


little jackie

Never get involved in a land war in asia

Life lessons abound in parenthood-land. It's the ultimate yoga practice. On Monday, I went out with the other mom's in my PEPS group (parent support group). A couple of the women said they'd had trouble getting pregnant and each remarked that the month when she truly gave up -- one started the adoption process and the other abandoned all of her dietary restrictions -- she got pregnant. It's a crazy paradox -- for something to change in your life, you must first truly accept that it will never change.

Tuesday I had a very low day for a variety of reasons but one was jack's eating. Finally, I decided to let it go ... I can't do anything about it. If he is an 11 pound fifth grader, so be it. Then what happened on Wednesday? He ate more than he ever has. Then what happened today? (since it can't be a simple story) He barely ate. So. My lesson is that Jack can eat different amounts every day and I can be paralyzed by anxiety or Jack can eat different amounts every day and I can be at peace.

More pictures soon.

Crazy Train

I will admit that, these days, I am slightly mentally ill. However, I am comforted by something I heard a buddhist monk say .. he said that before he was a monk, he worked in a mental institution and after 5 years at the job he decided the only difference between him and the patients was that he had the keys. Now, I have seen a lot of truly mentally ill people in the ER and there is actually a big difference between them and the people who enjoy the standard definition of mental health. These people live in a reality that no one else shares .. no one. I can get at least a few people to agree that i am not jesus .. and that no one is poisoning my food, etc. The other thing that comforts me is that it is well known that sleep deprivation causes a host of unpleasantries such as general confusion, pale skin tone ( i definitely have that), decreased mental activity and psychosis.

So yesterday I was talking to Bridget (who helps me take care of Jack so I can finish my freakin chemistry class) about how it seems Jack doesn't eat enough and that it seems like he is going to be a small person based on this fact... but that I had been thinking about all the small men I know who have really great lives -- they are married, successful and have children and friends and everything so it's probably fine that Jack doesn't eat a lot ... and bridget started laughing and laughing. I had a glimmer of how loco I have become .. that I am living in an odd reality that no one else shares. I am confident that once I start sleeping, I'll be less delusional. I hope anyway..

Tummy Time and other adventures

For non-parents or parents who parented before there were 10,000 books on how to parent (who knew how many parts of speech the word parent could be?), "Tummy time" is an activity you are supposed to do every day starting from the day you bring junior home in order to cultivate his upper body strength. We have been working on this with Jack for only a few weeks because I haven't read any books on developing motor skills and therefore, did not know about tummy time (gasp). What can I say? I thought it just happened. I don't see a lot of people who can't hold their head up .. but I digress. I am pleased to report, Jack is beginning to rock the tummy time. You may think this isn't that great but for several weeks we called tummy time 'lie on your face and cry time.' So we are pleased.


This weekend, Ryan's parents visited. This was their first meeting of their second grandchild and they were thrilled. We took them to the new sculpture park. We all loved the park but Jack seemed bored and fell asleep almost immediately.



Earlier this week, jack had his first sort-of play dates. We met with Cyrus and his mom, Jo. Cyrus is only 5 days older than Jack. We also met with maggie and her parents, megan and ben. Maggie is only three weeks old and we forgot to take pictures but you'll see them again.

Jack's favorite activity is still sleep and he is so cute when he sleeps that by the time he reaches his first bday I won't be surprised if we have taken 1000 asleep photos.

Knock on wood

Today we went to see our family doctor for the 2 month well child visit. Jack weighs 10.5 lbs and is 23 inches long. He is in the 30th percentile for weight and 50th for height.. which is probably exactly where I was before I was pregnant. jack also got his shots.. 5 to be exact. I was planning to stagger the shots and only get the DTaP today but the doctor talked me out it. My fear was that jack's little immune system would be overwhelmed especially because I am not breastfeeding. The doc's argument was that while they would never give adults 5 shots at a time, babies can handle it. He reassured me that he has vaccinated hundreds of children and "never had a problem, knock on wood." So we did it. I felt like I was going to cry when the nurse brought in the shots with their big needles. But I learned many lessons from watching the family members of sick people in the ER.. the most helpful to the patients were those that did not fall apart -- the ones that were strong even though emotionally, they must have been terrified... and this show of strength is far more important for young patients. So I held his little hands and looked calmly into his eyes as he screamed. It sucked.

He has been sleeping since.. so hopefully, knock on wood, no issues.

The Joaq-star

Sometimes we call jack the joaq(wok)-star. Today he is wearing his joaq-star shirt. Thanks Livi!

The comparison game

When you play the comparison game, you always lose .. a jesuit from seattle u said more than once. It's true because you never play against someone you can beat. When I go to the support group with at least 20 other moms and babies I find myself thinking 'wow, that baby is only 4 weeks older but she weighs 5 more pounds than jack. why is jack so small? will he always be small? will he have problems on the playground with bullies? if he does, i will definitely talk to the principal because bullying is very serious. maybe i should enroll him in tae kwon do ..' and on and on. I never compare Jack to the 3 week old baby born 4 weeks premature because then where would i go? 'damn, jack is big. he'll probably be a great athlete. where will the olympics be in 2024? ' no. i never think like that.

i always laughed when parents talked about their concerns for their children when compared to other children. Every kid is different because they have a different set of genes and parents, so why bother comparing? But I see how natural it is and how important it is to be aware that I am doing it.. because while it is silly it very easy to start believing your neurosis.

Here is a photo of Jack looking fierce in the pumas his aunt katie gave him:

Sleep Deprivation and Psychedelic Dreams

Normally, Ryan and I divide the night feeding duties. Ryan takes care of Jack from around 9 or 10 to around 2 or 3. Then I take care of him from 3 on. Occasionally, he'll fall asleep after I feed him and not wake up until 6 or so. Usually, he wakes up every hour between 3 and 7. I fall asleep quickly and during those 45-60 minute periods, I have a very vivid recurring dream. It is usually full of crazy detail -- last night I was in an underground city that was part of the USC campus. (I have never been to USC) But the theme is the same. In each dream I am looking for Jack and I cannot find him. I don't know where he is. It's not a scary dream but it's an anxiety dream... similar to the one where you have a test and forgot to study ..

It's weird.

Advice for soon-to-be parents

Today I went to a baby shower. The soon-to-be mom is 34 weeks pregnant and one of the activities of the shower was to write some advice for new parents. I have only been a parent for 8 weeks and 1 day but I feel full of wisdom about the topic. I have learned so so much in a very short time and yet, I still have so so much to learn.. I think this is one of the great aspects of parenting -- it is always challenging. You meet one challenge, have a moment to feel good or bad or guilty or whatever about it, then that challenge is over and a new one presents itself.

My advice was to always remember that whatever you experience as a parent is temporary (of course, this is true of everything in life) and it truly does get easier with each week that passes. After some thought I don't think the easier part is true. It doesn't get easier but you have more confidence and that makes it seem easier.

I was also thinking about things that surprised me about labor. There is no point to telling any pregnant person this because every labor is different. My labor will prepare no one for theirs ( also part of my new wisdom). I was surprised by how calm I was.. I never felt any fear .. I never yelled or panicked. I was surprised by how difficult it was to push but then I by how strong I was. I was also surprised that I felt no joy after the process was over and that for two weeks I felt like I had been in a car accident ( the physical cause was likely from tensing every muscle in my body for the 2.5 hours of pushing and the emotional cause .. well I still have no idea why I felt like I had PTSD). Labor is just the first challenge .. I can think about it all I want but it's over and now I am on to new challenges.

Jack is a little more alert every day. His 'colic' or whatever you want to call crying for many hours in the evening seems to be less frequent. He is so darn cute -- he inspires us to make up lots of silly songs and exagerrated facial expressions to get him to smile. He also cried with real tears for the first time today which made me cry. All I want to do is make him happy.

Soak up the Sun

Today Jack was in our baby papasan which he normally hates. However, at his mature 7 weeks he seems to have decided it's not so bad. I turned around to turn on iTunes and the Sheryl Crow song Soak up the Sun came on. I turned back around to look at Jack and he had the biggest darn smile on his face. I grabbed the camera and luckily got him to smile a little more. It is amazing what his smile does to me physiologically. It feels like warmth emanates from my heart all across my chest .. I couldn't decide which picture I liked more so I put up both.

Baby fashions

The baby clothes are so darn cute. Jack has a very fashionable wardrobe for at least the next year because of the generosity of all of our hip and stylish friends.

Our dear friend Sandi gave us this very cute honey bear tee. Like most of his clothes, I wish I had one. Well, maybe not a onesie but this would be a great t-shirt.

Overstimulation

Jack has gained a few new skills in the past week or two. He can smile, he lays down and just looks around (before he would just cry), he seems to be losing some of his baby reflexes like the limb shuddering he used to do. He also grew eyebrows. Overnight.

After we went to Astoria, he had a couple of rough nights. He cried a lot - more than usual. Some people offered that maybe he had been overstimulated on our trip. What does that mean exactly? After some thought I decided it's probably similar to my experience in Las Vegas. After a couple of days in las vegas, I have had it. I just want to lie in a quiet room with tatami mats, a small gurgling fountain and a cup of green tea. It's just too much of everything. But it's important to introduce babies to our crazy world -- now I can understand jack's pain a little more. It's like he has to go to vegas all the time. Fun at first but the recovery is rough.

Here is a little video of Ryan and me trying to get Jack to smile.. something we spend a lot of time doing these days:

jack smiling

You can't handle the truth

After the first weeks support group meeting many of the new moms go to a nearby coffee shop to chat. I was talking to a woman whose baby is a few weeks older than Jack. She wondered why no one ever told her how hard breastfeeding would be. We wondered why no one could ever adequately explain how hard all of it was going to be. She offered that maybe people felt she would not be able to handle the truth .. or, that if they told her and she fully understood maybe she, gasp, would choose not to have a child. We then went on a tangent about how condenscending that attutide was. But I was thinking later about how many times people had told me labor or baby "horror" (my word) stories and how I commiserated with other pregnant women about this strange phenomenon of people feeling compelled to tell us bad news. Now I think maybe they were just telling the truth and it wasn't what we wanted to hear. All of these stories came from other women.

I think my hormones have finally mellowed out and I am adjusting to my new life with jack. I know my blog has been depressing but many (not all) of my early experiences have been sad. I am not going to lie about that just so other people can be comfortable with my situation and think it fits in with some idyllic societal motherhood fantasy. Sadness is a part of life. That is the truth.

Me and Jack chillin

Big hands & small hands

one more pic of ryan and jack.

Happy New Year

Jack is 6 weeks old. We spent part of the new year weekend with our friends tammy and sean and their kids in astoria. Jack did great in the new location -- actually, he didn't seem to notice. Tammy's kids are 3 1/2 year old identical twins who love babies. They were very cute with Jack.


Tyler and Joey


Tammy, Sean, Tyler, Joey



Ryan and Jack


Jack on New Year's Day

The Mother Trip

I am reading a book by Ariel Gore called 'The Mother Trip.' I am seeking (and sought when I was pregnant) alternative views of pregnancy and motherhood. I do not know where I got the messages of what motherhood is supposed to be but they are very oppressive. The book I am reading traces some of the origins of the halo that exists around motherhood and why. In short, mothers are supposed to sacrifice everything for their children. My mom didn't do this so where does this come from? Why do I feel guilty about all of my short-comings? Why do I feel like I have so many short-comings? I was aware of the negative messages before having Jack but I am surprised by how deeply they affect me. For example, I have heard friends say in certain moments they feel like "a bad mother" when their kid cries or whatever. I always thought that was so strange. Now, I have experienced that feeling. I don't abuse or neglect my child, so what's up?

The book has the following passage:
Take a moment to imagine the perfect mother. No, wait. Take a moment to look in the mirror. She is you. You are enough for your children, no matter what the choir says, no matter who you imagine you "should" be, you are enough.

I spent a lot of time in my late teens and early twenties getting over our society's ideal of a woman .. someone who looks hot at all times or has no value. Now I have to get over this ideal of motherhood. The sooner, the better.